Simply I spent so many years living stuck in my head. I overthought. I questioned myself. I compared myself to others and was always left feeling lacking and not good enough. I loved to worry and find a reason to feel anxious. I took other people’s opinions of me to heart and lived my life, changed myself to behave in a way that was seen as “right” to them. And I completely lost touch with myself and who I was in doing so.
I know I’m living too much in my own mind when I push rather than let life flow.
When I project into the future rather than find peace in the now.
When I am hung up on what could go wrong over imagining how I want my future to look, feel and be.
When I try to control and hold on over letting go and accepting how things are.
When I act from a place of pride and ego rather than say how I really feel.
When my heart is hardened and closed over soft and open to others.
“Have the courage to follow your heart and
intuition. They somehow know what you truly
want to become”
– Steve Jobs
I learnt the hard way, through my own battle with mental illness as a fourteen year old, the reality of where a life lived believing everything you thought could take you. A battle with anorexia that was close to taking my life, saw me hospitalised in the only place they could find to place me in, an adult psychiatric hospital. And that is where I stayed as a full-time inpatient, the only child surrounded by adults battling their own minds with drug addictions, manic depression, multiple personality disorders, schizophrenia and anxiety disorders, for close to six months. It was my own Girl Interrupted, just like the movie, moment.
I did what I had to do when you’re in a situation like that. I eventually started to eat. I made friends with some of my fellow patients. Befriended the ones that frightened me a little so that I didn’t have to worry so much about them wandering into my room at night. And because I wasn’t allowed any privileges because I was still trying to reach my goal weight, I made myself known to those who were able to sneak contraband items into my room like books, magazines, chocolate and pen and paper to write on.
I watched adults live out loud exactly how they were stuck thinking in their heads and I learnt some important life skills. That not everything we think is true and the importance of questioning our own thinking and beliefs if we don’t feel as good as we should. Of empathy that “the human within me sees the human within you” – I love that. And that while our thinking might be louder than the pull and quiet knowing of our hearts that it should always be the heart that wins out if we want to have a whole, fulfilled, off the charts amazing life.
I don’t have all the answers. But I know I feel better in myself everyday when I tune more into what I’m feeling and how I can improve on that and less on the chatter going on upstairs in my head. I’m happier, I feel more thankful, I’m more at ease and I behave truer to me when I do.
Big love to you x