There is no magic solution, no cure all. Nor is there a quick fix to any degree of fall out from a relationship ending- heart break or not. Can we get that out in the open right now?
I write this from the only place a person can write such a thing, from the other side of her own “rock-bottom” moment. I thought I was doing ok considering…..until I wasn’t. You know your values are on point when even a financial outcome that might have seen some hoo-haa’ing into the sunset isn’t enough to distract you from the disappointment you feel at other parts of the seperation not ending in the way you hoped it would.
If you’re experiencing that moment in your life right now, if you’re working through “stuff” right now- all I can hope for you is that this piece helps fast-track your steps into the future positively and with grace.
I’m all for having a positive lifestyle and attitude (as often as we can) while still having plenty of fun along the way. So in saying that….can I start with an analogy?
If life was a ladder, where would you find yourself right now? Where are you hanging out?
Imagine a ladder with 10 rungs, each numbered from 1-10, 1 being the lowest, 10 the highest. Which rung are you currently standing on?
Can we agree that we want to be moving up the ladder. Feeling better in ourselves, more confident, more joyful and with a life that reflects that.
In life everything we do, everything we think, the people we associate with all do one of three things. They either keep you standing on the same rung, take you down a rung or three or make you step up a rung – a more confident, stronger, vibrant you.
Please note that the climb up the ladder is never a straight ascent so don’t ever be disenchanted by the journey. That’s normal. Situations trigger us. People trigger us. Anything beyond our comfort zone or anything that we subconsciously don’t think we “deserve” can trigger us. The important thing is that we simply be aware. That’s all you need to be. Aware that this is keeping me standing at the same rung. This is dragging me down, this will bring me up a rung. And to choose accordingly.
So with this in mind what can we do to lift ourselves up a rung or two now that we find ourselves with a changed relationship status and new postal address (or is that just me?)
You’re allowed to feel all the feelings, in fact it’s healthy and you should be embracing them whether you are enjoying them or not! Unspoken emotions can lead to depression and anxiety so it’s wise not to bottle them up. Choose a friend or three and allow yourself to work through your feelings with them without getting too caught up in them. By that I mean don’t make them your story. Don’t be so caught up in your own head, thoughts and suffering that you lose perspective and empathy for others. Someone, somewhere would love to find themselves in your situation over their own. A hard truth to hear but the truth nonetheless.
I’m not trying to detract from your own pain or story, it is significant, but in the whole scheme of your life does it have to be?
One of the greatest gifts of sitting in on Tony Robbin’s Date With Destiny course last year was listening to others in the room speak about their own suffering in detail- their children murdered, being caught up in sex slavery, rape, bankruptcy. It put my stuff in perspective and made me realise that my challenges were merely a speed hump on the greater journey in my life. Are yours? Could they be if you looked at them in another light?
A great tip if you find yourself caught up in your own story and feeling in pain or sorry for yourself is to write down onto paper every evening what you’re grateful for from your day (ideally at least 5 things). It sounds simple but doing this does wonders for your perspective by changing what you focus on, what you choose to see in a situation. There is a blessing in almost all circumstances. (You can find my own gratitude journal that I designed for purchase here).
Surround Yourself With Good Men & Happy Couples
Sounds counter-intuitive if you’re dealing with heartbreak, disappointment or pain. Whether you are a man or woman the opposite sex is great and it’s important you keep on reminding yourself that! Good men helped me move house, helped me connect my TV to my DVD (!!!), carried my old couch upstairs, put together my beds, talked to me about kayaks and whether one might fit on my car and be light enough for me to lift on my own, kept me in mind when he visited BCF to look at kayaks, have been an understanding kind ear and support touching base with me constantly throughout the day. And my own life coach….he is a man who works for an amazing man. Great men exist everywhere.
And those happy couples, the truly happy couples that sometimes seem few and far between, they remind me that love exists and conquers all when your values and that certain spark line up with another.
Life without love is like a tree without fruit or flowers. Not as pretty.
Why am I asking you to do this? Because we want to keep our hearts always open and receiving to other’s good energy. Never closed. Always open to better things, better people, better circumstances. Life is too short to live feeling and experiencing any other way.
Have Fun But Don’t Be Self-Destructive
Look we all have a night or four on the frosé that we might regret just a little (or is that just me again?!) It’s ok to let loose for a bit but not in a self-destructing, low self-worth way that could negatively impact on yourself or others. That’s not an example of living positively because in all honestly does it actually make you feel better in yourself?
Have fun, get out there with your girlfriends, dance, shake your booty, talk, chat to others, date, do what you love but keep it positive, respectful to your body and be good to yourself and others. Let the only thing that you regret after a night out be the height of the heels you made your feet suffer through. Enjoy and have fun with everything and everyone else.
I know that I can’t be my most shining, vibrant and positive self off the back of regular hangovers. I definitely won’t be climbing up rungs on the ladder nursing a constant sore head and bloated feeling body. What I will be doing is continually dragging myself out of feeling not so good in myself. Nobody wants to find themselves back there after almost every weekend.
Choose Growth Over Suffering
This is where I ask you to consider that it’s time for you to start completely moving past who or what is hurting you and holding you back from feeling the way you want to feel in yourself. Because again, life is just to short for anything else. So if we start being more aware of our own self-destructing behaviour and thinking that’s keeping us in this not so wonderful state…… what can we bring in instead?
Growth. And it’s entirely up to you what you bring in here.
What has worked for me? I purposefully changed things up.
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard. Yes I may snap and I move fast.
I’m getting up early in the morning no matter what time I go to bed the night before- that in itself, starting my day in the quiet has done wonders for me (I’ve also bought a new eye cream to compensate!) I prime every single morning with Tony Robbins (it’s a form of meditation taken to the slight extreme, you can find out more about it here). I’ve continued exercising every single day (frosé brain fog or not), I’ve napped when I’ve needed if after I’ve burnt the candle at both ends a little too much, I’ve sunk my thoughts and energy into two ecourses, I took surfing lessons, said yes to paddle boarding, I joined a Tony Robbins Perth based group of like-minded people. I started painting my nails again, had my hair done, sold some old clothes, bought some new clothes. I had a reiki massage (amazing change to my energy). I filled out my own book on confidence and bringing in positive energy (you can purchase your own copy here). I cried when I needed to. I leant on friends when I needed to. Journaled when I felt pissed off. I camped. I listened to music that had me bopping. I danced it out. I walked it out with my small dog who loves big walks. I watched male burlesque shows (only two, I should clarify). I’m gearing up to launch my next book for sale here. I went to a comedy show. I listened to bands. I’m deciding and looking into whether I might like to be a Team Leader for some future Tony Robbin’s events. In short I said “yes” over and over and over again. And I did what always brings out the best in me, I tried to be there for others as much as I am for myself.
Was it a straight climb up the ladder? No. Far from it. But I got there.
I purposefully followed every positive feeling, every positive person that would take me up the ladder. Even on the days when it felt like a goddam ladder. And I’ve done all of the above and more in a month. So I know that you definitely can drag yourself out of your own pain and suffering too. If you want it badly enough. If you don’t let your story, your suffering become who you are.
Choose Your Crowd…..Wisely
And put up boundaries when you need to. Even if that means removing someone from your life or space.
You are who you most often associate with. We all tend to think, behave and see the world through the lens of those who we spend the majority of our time with, whether that be socialising, at work or in our homes.
Right now more than ever you want to be surrounding yourself with people who are going to be cheering you up the ladder and edging you on. I’ve had several people come along and poke me from below to get me moving again up the ladder- I may have flashed them a few dirty look at times but hey it worked!!! Keep close the people in your life who raise you up, who treat you as you deserve and who bring out the best in you.
It removes the drama and blocks. It brings in positive feelings and results.
It’s so simple it’s silly and it’s only our feelings of guilt or how we think we might be perceived (ungrateful, drama-filled, difficult, selfish, mean etc.) that stops us from taking action on this one. Your good vibes can turn anything around in time, feelings, thoughts, emotions, relationships- trust in that and protect it.
So now it’s your turn. No matter your circumstance or how you are feeling in this moment.
What are you going to take away from this so that you can move yourself, even just a little, up that ladder today?